Autism...one step

I see that everything is still there but it don’t belong there anymore and I see how sad it makes people and I see how sad it makes my family but I can’t go back I’m really sick of apologizing for it no matter how long the journey or how deep the descent in the end all it takes is the one last step One step between me and madness between pain fear and nothing one single small step what I do remember is the sense that the line between reality is thin Thin as like ice on the lake after it thaw we fill our life’s with emotions noise and light to hide that thinness from ourselves I hate myself for what I have done to you for what I have done to everyone I hate this illness Sometimes I still feel like I can’t take it anymore but I am grateful to be alive I’ll never be the same but I hope I always be the one I try to remember who I was I was prepared to fight I wasn’t prepared to lose